What you shouldn’t say to someone who is chronically ill

10. “It’s just a bad day”
Um, no. A bad day is when you burn your toast, miss your train, get a flat tyre, spill coffee all over your white shirt, get gum on the bottom of your favourite shoe, etc.
A bad day usually lasts one day, or a few days at maximum.
This illness is not a bad day.
It’s my EVERY day.

9. “Have you tried…” // “You should try…”
I have tried 90% of the things you are just about to suggest.
I REALLY appreciate the thought, but the only thing I will be trying will be anything my Doctor or Specialist prescribes me.
I don’t want to try any herbal remedies that have been passed down generations and help you with your Gastro bug.
If you have not gone through this, then please, please don’t recommend that I try anything. I know what my body can tolerate. Just let me handle that.
Maybe ask me what I am trialling/what is next?

8. “Come out with me and you’ll feel so much better”
Um, despite what you believe, that is a no.
Again, I appreciate the thought of you trying to distract me, but I am sick.
Do you want to go out when you have gastro? or the stomach flu?
Um, no.
If I go out with you, I want to feel good. I want to be able to chat to you over a lovely meal, have a laugh and enjoy myself. I don’t want to have to link arms with you because I’m extremely dizzy, and unbalanced. I don’t want to feel nausea half way through our talk and run to a bathroom.
It’s a little hard when my symptoms are this severe.
When I feel better, we can go on a trip around the world.
But for the time being, how about you come around for a tea, or a visit? I would really appreciate it.

7. “At least you don’t have…”
Is that statement meant to make anyone feel better?
Am I meant to consider myself lucky?
Not sure about my other sufferers out there, but that statement makes me feel worse because I don’t know what is attacking my body.
I would rather have a diagnosis, than be in the dark about it.

6. “You need to stop being so negative”
I am most likely negative BECAUSE of the illness?
When something consumes you for so long, you have every right to have negative thoughts/moments. You are literally housebound, jobless, depressed and ill every single day. Would YOU be happy every day?
I could force myself to think positively every single moment of every day, but it doesn’t make the illness disappear, understand?

5. “You got this because…”
Most likely because I overworked myself, had a weak immune system and worked in a field surrounded by germs – but then again, I don’t even know why.
NOT because I don’t exercise frequently.
NOT because I have normal arguments with my partner.
NOT because I chose to work instead of going out and partying.
NOT because I don’t eat healthy (btw I do eat healthy)
Please, save your breath on trying to play Doctor and make me feel shittier than I already do. You have no idea why or how I got this, and we’d all appreciate it if you just kept your opinions to yourself.

4. “So, what’s wrong again?” // “You’re still sick?”
If you weren’t listening the first time around, I’m not wasting my breath telling you again. I don’t have the time, patience or energy.
And yes, I’m still sick. You would probably know that if you listened the first time I told you, or if you had more of an understanding of Chronic Illnesses.
There’s this thing called Google – heard of it?
Do some research.

3. “You’re just exaggerating/making excuses/want attention”
If I had a dollar for every time I have heard this, I would be rich.
I also love how most of the time, this statement is used behind my back.
Why would someone leave their dream job, stop studying, stop driving, spend all of their time at specialist appointments, feed my body countless trial drugs, and create pain and nausea and dizziness?
Walk a mile in our shoes, please, take them.
Get back to me in thirty minutes and tell me how you feel (because you won’t last any longer than that, I assure you).
I don’t know why someone would exaggerate symptoms like this just for attention.
My illness is not an EXCUSE. It’s an illness. Full stop.
Yeah, I want attention. It’s called SUPPORT and ANSWERS.
Maybe instead of spreading negative energy, you should check in on me once in a while and show your caring side.

2. “But, you don’t look sick”
Yes, I might not look sick today, but it doesn’t mean that I don’t feel sick.
I might be very good at hiding my symptoms (on the not-so-bad days).
You can’t see nausea or vertigo.
You can’t see digestive problems or abdominal cramping.
But I can assure you that I feel it.

1. “It’s all in your head” (my all-time favourite)
The only thing I can say to the people who have used this line before is;

Yes, it is all in my head.

I used to feel so hurt when someone would say that to me, but then one of my specialists told me that, it really IS in my head. It stems from the brain, which controls our entire body.
It might be my brain, it might be an organ, but whatever it is; IT ISN’T DOING WHAT IT IS MEANT TO BE DOING.
So, do not feel ashamed or upset, and most certainly do not second guess yourself if someone ever says this to you.
It really IS all in your head (hehe).

Things you CAN do for someone with an invisible illness:
– Ask how they are feeling and begin to recognise their symptoms.
Ask questions if you want to know more.

– If you want to buy a gift, ask if there is anything they NEED.
We don’t get out much. Sometimes we need little things like toothpaste or gum or milk.

– Visit them!
It’ll usually have to be a short visit, because we need our rest, but I want to hear about who you are dating, what you ate yesterday, how studying is going etc etc.


– Be supportive! There’s nothing worse than having to face all of this alone. Just tell us you are there to listen – most of the time we don’t even want a response. We just need to get our feelings out…

Advertisements

113 comments

  1. I totally agree with everything you said. I was diagnosed with an autoimmune disease 34 years ago and have heard it all. Thank you for putting it out there.

    Like

  2. Hi.Since we last talked I had a colectomy. I too have heard these words and I do know now a bit of what you feel (gastroperesis, bloat food instance.I hope that you start feeling better soon.

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s