Thoughts of an Insomniac.

I can’t fight anymore.
You have to.

It’s too hard.
In hardship comes strength.

This illness is too big for me.
Everything is too big; you are so little.

This isn’t fair.
I know, I know.

Will I ever work fulltime?
Who wants to work fulltime anyway?

Will I ever go back to Childcare?
You can babysit instead.

Will I ever finish my course?
We can try and explain the situation.

What happens when the Government cut me off?
We will fight them.

Am I classified as Disabled now?
It doesn’t change who you are.

Will I be able to eat at a restaurant?
We can bring a takeaway container; no waste.

Will I ever go on a date again?
We will be creative.

I am afraid.
I will hold your hand through this.

Will I ever get married?
Why can’t you?

Will I ever have children?
I think your reproductive organs work.

Will the nausea ever go away?
We will try everything.

Are there others like me, out there?
We will find them.

But I searched…
We try again.

There is no positivity behind this disease.
We will spread awareness.

There are too many bad days.
There are some good.

 I am too small.
You are small, but strong.

 I don’t want a feeding tube.
We won’t get one.

 I want to live painfree.
We will manage this.

 I can’t sleep.
Please put the phone away.

 Will I ever walk alone again?
We will train Brain somehow.

 I am so dizzy.
You can hold onto someone.

 Will I ever see the world?
We will travel one day.

 I can’t do this.
You can.

 I hate myself.
You are still beautiful.

 I want to leave.
You are upset, overwhelmed.

 How will I leave?
We are not doing anything.

 Will they miss me?
We aren’t going anywhere.

 Will they come to my funeral?
We haven’t died.

 Will someone try to change my mind?
You have a family who love you.

 Will they feel guilty for not being here/supporting me?
We don’t need them.

 I feel so alone.
You have a few friends, a family…

 Everyone is moving.
We are resting.

I hate this incurable disease.
I know.

 I hate you, stomach.
I know.

Then let me go, please let me go.
No, we’re not finished here yet.

 I can’t fight anymore.
You have to.

 

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28 comments

  1. i get bent out of shape about the difficulty i find when trying to maintain a fulltime job.. i get so overwhelmed because that’s what i feel i’m supposed to do as an adult. now i’m learning to embrace that maybe a fulltime job isn’t for me (actually i’m sure it’s not) but i need to be sure to remain as productive as i can and manage my life the best way i know how… “who wants to work fulltime anyway?” lol
    i was also afraid that i would not be able to travel because of the instability associated with my bipolar disorder. i felt unworthy and often talk myself out of it because of the tough days. but i’m steadily working toward it and hope to be traveling to teach english abroad soon. i think i can be brave and fight hard enough for a year long contract in exchange for the experience and adventure of a lifetime!

    good luck.. and keep talking yourself through this when you start to feel gloomy

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Wow. You are inspirational my dear! I only hope you get to travel one day too. I hope I also get the chance. I think we’ll appreciate it all more when we are finally able
      Xxx thank you for always being so kind and positive

      Liked by 1 person

      1. aww so are you… keep swimming little fishy. we’re all fish in a bowl in this big ol world of ours. i believe you will get to travel one day when that becomes the immediate goal for you. i’ve been longing for this for nearly 7 years to the point of depression many times. now that i finished my bachelors (took me long enough w/ my BD) i have a chance. the only thing in my way now is my own self, so i just push bc i want to inspire others.
        i plan to create a travel blog about it too

        Like

      2. Oh thank you!
        Can I ask what you graduated in? And, how old are you? I cannot believe you have suffered for seven years and managed. I can’t imagine myself lasting that long but you are living proof of strength and persistence! Please do create a travel blog. I’d love to read. If you ever come down to Australia, you’ll have to come and say hello (:

        Like

      3. i have an AA in Accounting and a BS in Finance.. i’m 26 years old right now. and trust me love, sometimes i wonder how i made it. i definitely won’t say managed, but that’s the part i’m working on now. i’ve grown tired of my life always seeming to be in crisis because of my BD and anxiety issues. i have a little PTSD too (which is why i have a seasonal mood swing/major episode).

        i most certainly can imagine you lasting that long because you’ve made it thus far. i couldn’t imagine it at first either but suicide just isn’t an option for me, no matter how much i like to think it is. and i promise you that is almost daily. i figured if i’m still fighting, why not write about it and share with others? and now i’m here with my blog…
        i seriously plan to create a travel blog… i want more pictures and less words but the writer in me will through in some essay-style entries as well.

        and now i have a new destination on my Bucket List of places i want to travel too… Australia! i would be pleased to come say hello! 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

  2. I need to get this on a plaque: “On particularly rough days when I’m sure I can’t possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% – and that’s pretty good.”

    Sometimes all you need is to get through today. Or tonight.

    Liked by 3 people

  3. I understand I have gone through hypomanic phases where I was up all night the last 2 years were especially terrible. I feel your pain. You will work full time I believe in you best to start off part time. I want to get to full time but right now I am at part time. I wish I was further along but it takes time and little steps. I am sure a girl as stunningly beautiful as you will have no trouble getting a date and I am sure you will find a great guy and get married. You are strong and I hope you have more and more good days. Don’t hate yourself you are such a sweet and nice girl stay positive. If you feel real alone I’ll be your blog friend and be here for you if you want. Keep fighting and know the world needs more good people like you in it! Hope you are doing better with your sleep.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Reblogged this on ashesrisen and commented:
     I feel so alone.
    You have a few friends, a family…

    I recently married a man I wasn’t looking for … we met through email, simple business-related correspondence turned into friendship, turned into love, turned into a miraculous soul connection.

    Before him, I was “trapped” in a miserable existence – suffering not just from a rare and painful chronic illness, but also from longterm abuse. I was made to feel inadequate in every way, largely due to illness-related struggles beyond my control.

    Now, I am being restored physically and emotionally with the loving support and patience from someone who loves ME – for better or worse, in sickness and ….

    We are NOT alone. We are one in a 7 billion, we are one of the millions who are suffering today.

    Every day is a gift.

    We are not alone.

    Liked by 1 person

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