How do YOU feel?

Someone asks, ”how do you feel today?”
I feel…
Frustrated, with my body for not revealing answers.
Disappointed, for not being able to be ‘normal’.
Angry, at the term ‘normal’. What is normal?
Ashamed, of myself for not being strong enough to win.
Dominated, by the dizziness and being unable to walk alone.
Defeated, by my own brain.
Challenged, by the nausea.
Nauseated, by my stomach not digesting.
Cheated, by Luck.
Hopeful, of finding a way to manage all of this.
Fortunate, to be supported by family and friends.
Envious, of those who get to travel, study, live.
Obsessed, with finding answers.
Troubled, by negative thoughts.
Crushed, by reality.
Stupid, when the tests come back ‘all clear’.
Optimistic, that one Specialist will be able to help me one day.
Nervous, about the future.
Thankful, for the good times.
Unattractive, because of the changes in my body.
Brave, for battling for so long now.
Exhausted, by the illness.
Behind, in my life plan and dreams.
Longing, for relief.
Loved, by few.
Powerless, to the Insomnia.
Confused, as to what I’m meant to be feeling.
Powerful, for crawling through Grocery aisles.
Inspired, to spread awareness and provide support.
Sympathetic, to others who are suffering.
Pained, by the weakness in my body.
Skeptical, of all of the specialists and their theories.
Isolated, from society.
Fearful, of what is to come.
At war, with my mind.
Motivated, to continue to fight.
Tempted, by the darkness.
But my voiced response is…
I feel okay”.
How do YOU feel?

This post was lucky enough to be reviewed by jman1993. It is the first review for Indisposed&Undiagnosed, so make sure you have a read and be sure to have a look at his other posts whilst you are there!
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24 comments

  1. Hi Cassie,
    How’s your day been? Mine has been a bit emotional as my parents sold the family beach house today and our escape hatch is gone. Took Amelia to the doctor this morning and happy as she has almost gained 2 kilos without getting taller so the drinks she’s taking are helping. She is getting more of an appetitie. For the first time in her life, she has been hungry. After that step forward, she wasn’t happy as I got us both the flu shot. She was in tears pleading with me and my heart broke. She’s been through so much lately, although nowhere near your rough trot.
    ON a positive note, I had someone tell me that they’re suprised I’m still with us so that reminded me to be thankful…and also pleased I remembered the flu shot. Pneumonia and chest infections are my nemesis.
    By the way, have you tried taking chewing gum afrter meals? Amelia’s doctor recommended that as it speeds up digestion apparently.
    I might be in a fool’s paradise because I really want this thing to go away and I guess I’m probably in the denial phase of coming to terms with things.
    Take care & best wishes,
    Ro

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    1. Hi Ro!
      I’m so, SO happy that Amelia is putting on weight and finding her appetite again! I too am eating three normal meals a day. I suffer a little with the nausea, but the tablet helps me digest a lot better than before. I’m still dizzy, with migraines, and my Gastroenterologist STILL thinks that the Gastroparesis is related to a viral condition or post-viral. He still wants to do more tests. My body is also exhausted. I have to get the flu shot, but am holding off because I know my body will not bounce back quickly like it used to! I’m so sorry about the beach house. We have one too up near Rosebud/Rye and it’s our little sanctuary.
      I chew gum after every meal! It’s a habit of mine and has been for a while. I’m glad it is doing something for the stomach issues!
      I hope we do meet one day. I would love to meet your daughter too.
      I don’t know if she is old enough to understand yet, but I want to thank you on her behalf for being a fantastic mother. Thank you for taking her to appointments, waiting for answers and pushing for more answers. Thank you for encouraging her to continue and push through.
      I just thanked my mother recently, because at 22 I finally understand exactly how much she does for me and has done… especially in regards to me being sick for so long now. One day, your daughter will truly understand. Mothers are Superwomen, and I know I’d be nowhere without mine. I hope today is a better day for the both of you.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Thanks so much, Cassie. That means a lot to me. She thanked me yesterday and has said I’m a good Mum a few times lately…son is still throwing daggers at the moment. I’m pleased your doctor is being so thorough. I think the why is an important question. So often, we don’t get an answer but just like all those great philosophical questions, just because there may not be an answer, or not yet, doesn’t mean we should stop asking, or give up on the quest. You need that doctor who will fight for your well being like a dog with a bone…or like the Andrew Chan and Myuran Sukarmaran’s lawyers. Even at the very last hour, they didn’t stop fighting.
        I have just come home from a walk along the beach and taking photos. There is a campaign underway for my disease where Wally the Wanderer a wombat is travelling around the world raising awareness. I took him down to the beach with a kids cane chair and a big Ernie and photographed them down there. Kids get my disease as well. I also took him to “Summer Bay” and swallowed all my pride and photographed him there. Even though I’m “out there”, I am quirky and that didn’t fit into who I am.
        Anyway, had better get moving. Good luck with your mission and say hello to your Mum and Dad from me and give them my best wishes,
        xx Rowena

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      2. Hi Cassie,
        I am so glad we’ve met because who else would understand our crazy world??? Fortunately, I have a fabulous, heaven-sent pharmacist. I have been giving Amelia these drinks called Fortisip. They come in at least 3 flavours but, of course, Amelia is a fussy eater as well as having the gastroparesis and she’ll only drink the chocolate flavour. When I go in to pick up new supplies, they couldn’t get it through their regular supplier. Yikes!! Good pharmacist that he is, he got on the phone and started ringing around and I think he’s got it sorted. I felt so embarrassed saying she only drank the chocolate but she is a 9 year old kid and to be honest, I’m grateful that she even drank that!! She doesn’t even like most chocolate. Will only eat Cadbury Dairy Milk. Does my head in.
        Hope you are having a good day and things are getting a bit better at least!! xx Rowena

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      3. Hi Rowena,
        Haha yes I agree. We are fortunate enough to be apart of a very tiny community who understand each other. Fortisip? I have to look into it. Is it only for children? Oh it must be hard having a fussy one with Gastroparesis. Gastroparesis makes you fussy, enough!
        I hope you are having a good day too, Rowena xxx

        Liked by 1 person

  2. i feel like one of those people who are sitting at their work desk stressed out and angered by the boss and who in an impulse get up and send a resignation email and walk out.. and just when they are out on street feeling so light and happy and heavy and overwhelmed they wake up because man its too hot to sit still and day dream… 😛

    hey, am happy you are back…

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Hahaha! Been there before MANY times. I’ve had a few interesting bosses as well. Whenever you do resign – the feeling is amazing. Just make sure you have another job!

    And thank you xx

    Like

  4. congrats on your Liebster Award! and I also usually say “ok” when asked how I feel. Your list is long and its tiring to say it over and over (I hate giving a long spiel to my Dad or my Mom).

    I went to a local recovery group today, for some reason I felt like my present state has been a step backwards from my typical forward progress. I realized that really I’m holding ground, not rolling backwards and not plowing forwards.

    I also noticed in this post you asked, what is normal. I don’t know if it helps but for me normal is a fluid experience, each day is the new norm. Always measured by the day before it, is it better or worse? Can’t really say till the end of it but more often than not its been just another normal day, in the normal life, of a normal Ross. 🙂

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  5. Cass it’s good to see you writing! I would like to be in a position to see a GI Dr like yours. (I can’t swim that far..) my primary care physician told me yesterday that he had explained why my body does stupid things. He suggested that I should tell him what I want him to do as far as tests go. I think that he was mad at me! I had asked him for a referral to another Dr and he said that ‘that Dr doesn’t see people with my condition.’ I’m mad, hurt, embarrassed… Sorry for dumping on you..

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  6. Truly, I am sorry. Because of similar complaints, I posted that comment because I feel that you understand. But you need time to heal and I fear I took some of that from you.

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  7. So beautifully written! My feelings as well are alot like yours! I always just say “i’m alright” but people who know me well know that I am not….Glad you are back to writing and praying you are doing better!

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Thanks for the like! I can identify with this fairly well, being a guy it’s very hard to talk about being anxious. So I say “I’m pretty good” a lot when inside my mind is racing about something specific or just in general. Have you tried ISTDP before? It was started in Canada actually and solves a lot of these physical problems people have, that are actually linked to psychological health. I’m sure you have tried a lot of things to help and I hope something works out for you! Hang in there!

    Liked by 1 person

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