I’m struggling to find a reason to stay here.
I don’t want to fight anymore.
I have fought long and hard enough.
The past two years have been a blur of disappointment, illness, appointments, yelling, heartache, jealousy and the unknown.
The past six months have been a living nightmare.
The thought of leaving doesn’t scare me anymore.
I find peace in knowing that I will be numb, for once. I’m sorry if that is too raw for you to read, but it is the truth. I long to feel nothing.
I’ve forgotten what it feels like to feel anything beyond these symptoms. I toss and turn all night battling the neck pain. I wake up feeling nauseous, and when I go to get up and out of bed, I usually fall to the floor due to the dizziness. The nausea stays all day, despite what I eat, what I drink, what medication I take. The dizziness keeps me from walking on my own. I hold onto the shower door with a tight grip, I hold onto the benches and drag myself around the house, I hold the walls, I hold onto someone when I have the energy to leave the house… Sometimes I even have to crawl.
How pathetic is my body?
How pathetic am I?
I can’t even stand on my own anymore.
I can’t eat a normal meal without feeling grossly ill.
I can’t go out to the Grocery store, or drive a car, or go to work for even an hour. I can’t go out with my friends, or enjoy myself. I couldn’t even keep a relationship going. I have no energy. I am now that person who has to rely on others to help her live. I have been stripped of my confidence and independence.
The only travelling I do is to and from appointments, and in saying that, I have to beg people to take and accompany me to them.
I am an embarrassment.
I’m exhausted from the continuous appointments with Specialists and Doctors who have no reasonable explanation as to why I am so sick. I receive a diagnosis, and you’d think it would be enough to move on with my life, but instead, they strip me of that and tell me that they ‘aren’t satisfied’. So, I am back at square one again, unable to manage this invisible something. I’m tired of the tests, the Health speeches, the medications, the trials, the dead ends.
I’m tired of feeling.
I’m tired of the sympathetic stares, and having to explain this to people and have them look at you like I am stupid. I’m sick of hearing, “but, you are SO strong”. There is no strength in this illness – only weakness and repetitive torture.
I hate social media at the moment as it is a constant reminder of what I am missing, and what everyone else is gaining. Marriage, kids, travel, graduation, friendships, dating, health. And here I am, stuck and incredibly alone. Yes, I am jealous. Judge me, I don’t care. When you have had everything snatched from your hands, you are entitled to feel jealous.
It doesn’t matter how many people tell me how strong I am, how many people tell me they are here for me, that they understand, that it is a mind over matter thing, and that it will get better if I stay positive…
They are wrong.
You cannot possibly understand if you haven’t been through it.
I feel as though I have no control over this anymore, and that I will never achieve anything I set out for myself.
When I thought it had taken everything from me, it took the man who I thought was the love of my life. Because being with someone who is this sick is too hard to deal with. And now, I am left having to fight alone; fearing nobody will ever live thing inside of me with this ever again.
I’ve forgotten the little things.
What it feels like to have sand in between my toes, the wind in my hair as the windows are down in the car, walking through the city, the nights spent in hotels, watching the stars from late night drives, trips away, the warmth I felt when I worked with the gorgeous children, the pride I felt when I finished units in my course, dressing up with a face full of makeup and confidence, shopping, coffees and catchups with friends… It all feels like a dream to me.
What is the point in me staying here, and continuing to fight? To feel no change? To have no control over my own body? To continue to be set back? Lonely? In pain?
What about my happiness, and what I want?
When do I get my day free of these awful symptoms?
When do I get an answer, or a way to manage?
I am tired, and I’d like to go now.
I fear as though this world is too big for someone as small as I.
I feel as though this battle has already been lost.