The Beginning of the End.

I’m struggling to find a reason to stay here.
I don’t want to fight anymore.
I have fought long and hard enough.
The past two years have been a blur of disappointment, illness, appointments, yelling, heartache, jealousy and the unknown.
The past six months have been a living nightmare.
The thought of leaving doesn’t scare me anymore.
I find peace in knowing that I will be numb, for once. I’m sorry if that is too raw for you to read, but it is the truth. I long to feel nothing.
I’ve forgotten what it feels like to feel anything beyond these symptoms. I toss and turn all night battling the neck pain. I wake up feeling nauseous, and when I go to get up and out of bed, I usually fall to the floor due to the dizziness. The nausea stays all day, despite what I eat, what I drink, what medication I take. The dizziness keeps me from walking on my own. I hold onto the shower door with a tight grip, I hold onto the benches and drag myself around the house, I hold the walls, I hold onto someone when I have the energy to leave the house… Sometimes I even have to crawl.
How pathetic is my body?
How pathetic am I?

I can’t even stand on my own anymore.
I can’t eat a normal meal without feeling grossly ill.
I can’t go out to the Grocery store, or drive a car, or go to work for even an hour. I can’t go out with my friends, or enjoy myself. I couldn’t even keep a relationship going. I have no energy. I am now that person who has to rely on others to help her live. I have been stripped of my confidence and independence.
The only travelling I do is to and from appointments, and in saying that, I have to beg people to take and accompany me to them.
I am an embarrassment.
I’m exhausted from the continuous appointments with Specialists and Doctors who have no reasonable explanation as to why I am so sick. I receive a diagnosis, and you’d think it would be enough to move on with my life, but instead, they strip me of that and tell me that they ‘aren’t satisfied’. So, I am back at square one again, unable to manage this invisible something. I’m tired of the tests, the Health speeches, the medications, the trials, the dead ends.

I’m tired of feeling.
I’m tired of the sympathetic stares, and having to explain this to people and have them look at you like I am stupid. I’m sick of hearing, “but, you are SO strong”. There is no strength in this illness – only weakness and repetitive torture.

I hate social media at the moment as it is a constant reminder of what I am missing, and what everyone else is gaining. Marriage, kids, travel, graduation, friendships, dating, health. And here I am, stuck and incredibly alone. Yes, I am jealous. Judge me, I don’t care. When you have had everything snatched from your hands, you are entitled to feel jealous.

It doesn’t matter how many people tell me how strong I am, how many people tell me they are here for me, that they understand, that it is a mind over matter thing, and that it will get better if I stay positive…

They are wrong.

You cannot possibly understand if you haven’t been through it.
I feel as though I have no control over this anymore, and that I will never achieve anything I set out for myself.
When I thought it had taken everything from me, it took the man who I thought was the love of my life. Because being with someone who is this sick is too hard to deal with. And now, I am left having to fight alone; fearing nobody will ever live thing inside of me with this ever again.
I’ve forgotten the little things.
What it feels like to have sand in between my toes, the wind in my hair as the windows are down in the car, walking through the city, the nights spent in hotels, watching the stars from late night drives, trips away, the warmth I felt when I worked with the gorgeous children, the pride I felt when I finished units in my course, dressing up with a face full of makeup and confidence, shopping, coffees and catchups with friends… It all feels like a dream to me.

What is the point in me staying here, and continuing to fight? To feel no change? To have no control over my own body? To continue to be set back? Lonely? In pain?

What about my happiness, and what I want?

When do I get my day free of these awful symptoms?

When do I get an answer, or a way to manage?

I am tired, and I’d like to go now.

I fear as though this world is too big for someone as small as I.

I feel as though this battle has already been lost.


  1. You are NOT pathetic.
    You are NOT useless.
    You are NOT small.
    Please cass stay strong. You know this illness as well as anyone. You have to keep fighting through the bad days even when there seems no end to them its who you are and what you do youve won this battle over and over and you can win again. Dont ever give up. The world will be a much bigger, emptier place without you in it. If you need to talk i’m here

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Cassandra,
    I do not know if you are religious or not, but I wish to share something with you that has helped me.

    Here is what I was once told (and it is truth):
    “When we allow God to come into our lives (or we are wise enough to come into His) He “enlarges our steps” for the path we must walk – or, in more modern language, He gives us bigger feet that do not slip.”
    “But other elements of God’s miraculous help consists of things He does to, in effect, let us help ourselves. Some paths we feel we just can’t walk. Some mountains seem just too high to climb. Some steps are just too difficult to take. When that is so, heavens does intervene, but often it is not to smooth out the path or remove the mountain or shorten the steps. More often than not, God sends help in a different way. He makes us stronger and more sure-footed. In effect, He gives us bigger feet, stronger legs, a firmer back, more stiffened shoulders. He deals with us rather than with the problem we face. We then proceed with new strength, less slipping, and are all the stronger for it.” Psalms 18:36; 94:18-19. Jeffery R Holland, an Apostle of the Lord Jesus Christ.

    Just as you have illnesses that frustrate you, I too have many disabling illnesses. Arthritis so bad at times that my neck, shoulders, back, arms, legs, and even my fingers and toes hurt to even move them. I also have stomach issues: GERD and Barrett’s Disease, thus I vomit a lot. Yet, I am fat.

    There was a period of time (four years in fact) that I had to stay mostly in bed or at a hospital. I contracted e-coli and almost died, double pneumonia and almost died, blood clots, and almost died. I have been in and out of mental hospitals since I was about 6 years old. Most of the time I have zero help from others. When I developed cancer as a young woman, my husband walked out on me and my new baby to fend for ourselves.

    As you can see, I understand just how hard you have it in life. Yet, I want you to know that the words of Jeffrey R Holland are true. I testify to you that I am able to walk now. I still have issues, yes, however, I can do more now and be happier than I have ever been in my entire life. I am more grateful now that I know the Lord, even Jesus Christ is watching over me. I know that God lives and hears our every complaint. He really loves His children, of which you are one. Jesus Christ was born, lived and died. Yet, He arose again to show us that we too can live. Life is not all there is.

    I don’t mean to be preachy, but I felt you needed to hear these things this morning. Please, don’t give up. I know how badly you want all this crap to end, but don’t give up. It will not last forever. You can email me any time. I am here for you.

    Hugs, from a distance. Midge

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I’ve had similar symptoms to you. I was ready to give up, but my parents weren’t and kept trying to find things to help. I tried a product called M.E. Relief which is just a combination of amino acid supplements that are aimed at helping the symptoms rather than being specific to the illness. I think it would be worth you trying. You have to start on a very low dose and gradually build up so it can take a while. And it’s not a miracle cure, but it helped me enough to keep fighting. It gave me enough hope to stop being suicidal and keep fighting. You can look up M.E. Relief on Google but the thing that has helped me most is glutamine which I took alone to begin with and you can buy it from health food shops, since body builders use it. I hope this doesn’t sound like I’m trying to sell you something. I just hate seeing people with no hope because I’ve been there and I know how horrible it is.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. I have definitely been here. I admire your honesty. Keep fighting, as you are stronger than you think. It takes real strength to be fighting a battle nobody else understands. I sincerely hope and believe you will find the answers in the end.

    Liked by 2 people

  5. The problem is people have no idea what to do when faced with something they don’t understand. So you get these useless platitudes like, ‘everything is going to be OK’ or ‘stay positive’. And sometimes give you a pep talk in the process. It actually is spectacularly unhelpful and quite insensitive – and pretty selfish to not allow you to have your time to feel this way (which you are perfectly entitled to feel).

    You need air time to grieve a life you don’t have any more. And for people to just say, ‘I’m sorry you are going through this can I help in any way eg just listen’. We don’t listen enough any more. Your life has changed beyond recognition and it requires a pretty big shift in light of your health situation which just sounds horrible. You’re being let down by the very profession who are supposed to make it better. You are allowed to mourn and you are allowed to be angry and you are certainly allowed to be sad. To be told your feelings are invalid by people saying to ‘stay positive’ is just plain wrong and just makes them feel better, not you.

    So, no pointless analogies here. I’m pretty bad at them. I’m just really sorry you are having to go through this and I hope you are given the space and support you need. Take care.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Cassie, I wish you could see the tears welling up in my eyes after reading your post and I wish I could be there to hold your hand. I wish I could tell you that it will get better the same way when I was in shoes similar to yours I longed to tell my 3 year old son that Mummy would get better when it really wasn’t looking good at the time. I haven’t know you very long but I know you’re MUm and Dad have moved heaven and earth to try to help you and love you so much. It isn’t everything and when you are 22 it’s an age of exploration, spreading your wings and forging out into life as an independent person. As bad as things are now and have been for long, you don’t know what is just around the corner. Sometimes, it’s even worse than the present but perhaps some surprises. Have you been getting outside at all? Still in hospital? I have spent to much time in these places myself this week and after spending the day in Gosford Hospital yesterday with my son and no light, I just felt rotten. On Monday when I was seeing my doctor at Royal North Shore, I saw them wheeling a guy on a bed with a broken leg outside to enjoy the sunshine.
    Please hang in there and know how much you are loved. Don’t lose sight of that. xx Rowena

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  7. *hug* i am in a similar spot myself, so i have no encouraging words.. but if you’re like me there really are no words that would encourage anyway. so i just wanted to say that you’re not the only one, and if you need a friend to mourn a lost life with, i am here.

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  8. No! “going away” may seem like a reasonable thing to think about but the next hour, the next day or the next week may well hold the answer. No! I have been in that place where you are right now. To stay is the right thing. You are not alone!

    Liked by 2 people

  9. I can’t help but notice from the replies here that all these people are relying on you for support. Even in your frailty, you are propping others up. I think that’s pretty awesome.

    Whether you stay or go is your choice; that part of you hasn’t been taken from you at least. While you choose to stay and write, I shall gladly spend time reading it. If or when you choose to leave, you shall be missed.

    Liked by 2 people

  10. Hey Cass,

    I am not going to tell you that things are going to get better, because they might not, and I have no way of knowing. I am not going to tell you tell you how many people love you and how much you have to live for, because only you can know if that is true. I am not going to say that someday you will find the true love of your life that will accept all of you, including your flaws and limitation, because how could I know? None of us know what the future holds for us or for others. Things may get better, or they may get even worse. Life is a chaotic, random, fucked up mess of chance and choice, and I have never been able to make sense of it.

    I am also not going to try to tell you that suicide isn’t an option, as I feel it is always a valid choice that we each have when things become unbearable. I do not believe that it is selfish. I do not believe that it is a sin. I do believe that we all have a choice to decide when we have had enough and want to opt out of further pain and misery. And no one can know when the balance of potential future misery begins to outweigh the balance of potential future joy but you alone.

    All I will say, is that I am also struggling right now with this same thought. Have I finally had enough? Is it my time to just cash out and walk away with my losses? I haven’t decided. I am not sure HOW to decide. But I think about it every fuckin’ day, all day.

    Like you, I am just numb inside. I have been for almost ten years now. I have seen hope of a real future taken from me at the last moment time after time after time. Once upon a time, in my youth, I dreamed of leaving behind some sort of legacy that could help change the world, something of importance, anything to give my life meaning. I no longer care that I will die and leave no trace. No longer care that I accomplished absolutely nothing in my life. Each day is just more suffering. I feel as if my only purpose in this life is to suffer, like some cosmic whipping girl. But lately, this last year or so, I no longer care. I don’t even notice the continued piling on of pain and suffering. I am so numb now that nothing registers at all. I am a zombie walking through each day in repetition of the previous day’s meaninglessness. Why should I keep doing this? Is it finally time to just opt out? The idea no longer scares me in the least.

    So, I may not understand your exact circumstances, or your exact emotions or the causes that have brought you to this point. But I do understand the dilemma you are struggling with right now. I know it very, very well. Sadly, I don’t have an answer for you, because I don’t even have one for myself. Maybe there is no answer. I dunno.

    So, asking you to make the choice to stay just to keep me company in my own misery would be selfish of me. But, I don’t mind being selfish right now, I think after all I have been through I deserve a moment of selfishness. And misery does so love its company, doesn’t it?

    I don’t have any answers for you, hon. No one does really. But, I do hope, selfishly, that you stick around a while longer, if for no other reason than to keep me company as I sit here trying to make that same choice as you face.

    Your Friend,


    Liked by 2 people

  11. Came to the conclusion long ago that doctors don’t know as much as they think they do! I tried to end it once, but made the mistake of calling someone to say good bye. For reference, I would not call anyone! I can’t end it now, because I promised my husband I wouldn’t. Going against my belief to keep promises I made is too hard. Don’t have the energy for it. Not going to tell you to feel better, or just hold in there, because you have heard that shit too many times!
    Jeanette Hall

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  12. I’ll share a bit of my personal history with you. I used to be enlisted, and before I joined, I biked, I swam, I did martial arts, I ran track…I was very physically active in addition to my nerdy interests. Not too long after I enlisted, I started vomiting this dark yellow bile within a quarter mile of our runs. I had no idea what was going on, but I ignored it for a long time, pressed on whilst vomiting over my shoulder…until it came to the point where I couldn’t pass the two mile run anymore. It debilitated me to the point where I could hardly move and my head was swimming, and I cried in frustration at not being able to do something I had found incredibly easy to do mere months before. I was in a special training course, and they eventually pulled me halfway through, telling me that I would be transferred to a special medical unit within a couple weeks. For four months I was waiting around, until I saw my first class graduate. Command decided they would put me in the course again, and I was happy for the most part. I wasn’t allowed to work out because they didn’t want me to risk exasperating the problem. Haha, I actually got threatened with what’s called an Article 15 when I was caught working out on my own. That part I hated. I hated feeling like I couldn’t do anything. So, I continued focusing on my studies, and then I was pulled again..over halfway through and top marks. They promised me I would be with the medical unit within four weeks. I ended up seeing my second class graduate. The specialists I was seeing at the time had no idea what was causing my symptoms. Blood tests and an endoscopy showed proof that I wasn’t faking, as was initially believed when I first went to sick call, but the different doctors I saw could never agree on a diagnoses, much like in your case. I eventually took on an administrative job with the Command Sergeant Major, and that wasn’t so bad. At least I was doing something besides picking up trash around the base every day. I still hated my situation. I still burned with anger at feeling helpless, but when I was finally sent to the medical unit, I felt shame. I saw a guy that took an RPG to the chest, and it blew out half his face, and the palette of his mouth. There were people missing limbs and you could physically see the mental trauma they endured. I really started hating myself then. I was someone that was able function in a relatively normal state for all appearances. I had nothing to physically show that anything was wrong with me unless I was running or something similar, and even then, I felt it wasn’t enough to be put amongst these people. I felt like my problems were insignificant despite the debilitating nature compared to theirs. The entire process took over three years before a true diagnoses was agreed upon, but by then I was already in the process of getting medically discharged. Command tried to do what they could to keep me in…I was good at what I did, and I wasn’t a kiss ass, but the medical board went through with it. That medical discharge, whilst honorable, closed off what I wanted to do in life. I felt like I had nothing, and I wanted to disappear off the face of the planet in shame and self loathing. It’s been several years since all that, and my body has just recently been getting back to where it’s supposed to be, and I’ve finally figured out several courses of action. I know what you’re feeling, even if I don’t understand the pain you’re experiencing, and doctors can be quite blind sometimes, but I believe they’ll eventually figure things out. I know what it means to feel like you’re a burden on those around you, to be at an illness’ complete mercy, and to not know what’s wrong or how to fix it. Things will be okay though, just keep holding on. Cry in frustration, scream in anger, curl up in depression, lay in apathy, but don’t give up, because then there’s no chance for change, and you will forever miss out on those things you ache to do.

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  13. It’s ok to be angry, you should be. And hate life, and your body, and the cards you’ve been dealt. It’s ok to feel rage, or hurt, or jealousy, or sadness. It’s ok to feel happy too. Chronic illness is a Rollercoaster that unfortunately you may or may not ever get off of. You don’t have to be happy all the time, hell you can feel anything you want. You’ve earned that right with you’re suffering.
    Most won’t understand the the dark side, but anyone who’s sick knows it could appear at any time. It’s not their job to understand. But you don’t have to feel bad about it either. No matter what, this is your story. And we’re here to read it, to learn from you, and offer support only when you need it.

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  14. This journey is hard. I know that feeling like you have no control is extremely difficult. I try to take one day at a time as difficult as that is it does take some the anxiety away. Sending hugs💖Courage doesn’t always roar. Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says I’ll try again tomorrow.
    Mary Anne Radmacher

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  15. ” Now if you are going to win any battle you have to do one
    thing. You have to make the mind run the body. Never let the
    body tell the mind what to do. The body will always give up.
    It is always tired morning, noon, and night. But the body is
    never tired if the mind is not tired. When you were younger
    the mind could make you dance all night, and the body was
    never tired… You’ve always got to make the mind take over
    and keep going.” -George S. Patton Jr.
    ….it may seem outrageous to quote a military man at a time like this, but you ARE in a battle and his words are as pertinent to you and those who share your struggle as they are to anyone in combat or facing challenges of their own.
    Bodies are all weak in their own way. The only thing that drives any of them on is the mind inside.
    I wish you the very best of luck and hope that following close on the heels of any of your low and dark times are the highest and brightest of times.

    Liked by 1 person

  16. Hello Cassie,
    I had a bit of a lightbulb moment last night and I don’t know whether I am on the right track or not but have you been tested for polymyositis or dermatomyositis? I have dermatomyositis and went through the hell you’re in now prior to my diagnosis. It should have registered with me sooner but because of the gastroparesis , it didn’t twig and you reminded me so much of my daughter, only much more severe. Here is a link to some information. Polymyositis and dermatomyositis can be very difficult to diagnose and most of us are near death or extremely fed up by the time we are. What you have described as weight loss could well be muscle loss. It is a disease which can throw up false negatives but a high CK reading on a blood test is one indicator although a muscle biopsy is the ultimate test…painful and @#$% depressing when you’ve already reached the end of the road but once I was put on medication, things improved…slowly and this disease is no walk in the park but I lead a good life inbetween flares and my case is considered severe.
    My rheumatologist is Dr Leslie Schreiber at Royal North Shore Hospital. He loves difficult to solve cases and would only be too happy to help.
    I actually know a lady who has gastroparesis and myositis so it is possible.
    In terms of dermatomyositis, you get redness in your knuckles and that looks like stripes. They call it rainbow hands. We also get some of the rashes similar to Lupus like the butterfly rash.
    Myositis also can affect swallowing and digestion.
    It’s a very rare disease and the sort of thing that would show up on the show “House” if you recall that series.
    Another tell tale sign is having difficulty getting out of chairs and using your arms to get out. But once it’s progressed, even that is hard.
    My husband used to have to take my daughter off my lap and put her in her cot at night. I also had trouble getting jeans on and getting my legs through and doing up a bra in hte end. I fell over and at home and couldn’t get up off the ground until my husband suggested using a chair to lever myself up. He was at work 2 hours away and I was alone at home with the kids aged 3 and 16 months. It was a true nightmere.
    I might not be on the money here but please think about this and talk to your doctors about it. So many haven’t heard of it and because it’s so rare, dismiss it . I have been watching doctors in action this week. They look for the most likely thing statistically first before addressing the rare but quite possible option. My son is showing signs of possible epilepsy but they won'[t give him an EEG until other things are eliminated first. I am concerned about his safety but no. Grrr!!
    Take care my friend and please hang in there. I have considered suicide myself on a number of occasions but as hard as it gets and you know I’ve been through a bit, something comes a long. It might not be today or tomorrow but like finding that seal at the Opera House the other day, there are moments of joy!! That said, it’s cold and wet today and I’m off to help the kids at their Bunnings BBQ when I feel like staying home inside.
    Take care and keep searching. LOve and Blessings,


    1. Sorry, Ro, I have been trying to take some time out. Thank you for your kind words and advice. I will have to look into it. It looks like I’ll be going to the Eye and Ear Hospital afterall for some inner ear tests and will then be sent to a Dizzy Clinic where they specialise in dizziness. As for the Gastroparesis, I just need to roll with the punches unfortunately. My body is not negotiating at all. It is really frustrating and saddens me. I miss my old life. I miss being able to do things…
      I hooe your day is lovely and that your children are in better health (even the slightest) Xxx Cass

      Liked by 1 person

      1. That’s perfectly understandable. Hopefully all these appointments mean you are getting closer. I really hope they can nut it out soon for you and in the mean time, hang in there. xx Rowena


  17. I popped on to read tonight because I was feeling pointless, aimless, and useless.

    I can’t let it win. I’m in here somewhere. I just can’t always find myself.

    You’re in there, too.

    You have a powerful voice that reaches out to more people than you know. I’m not alone because you wrote.

    Keep using that voice. It’s a lifeline. For us and for YOU.

    Liked by 2 people

  18. As I read, I was thinking of the helplessness of when my daughter was ill and diagnoses and treatments were getting tossed about. We feared she might never be able to leave the house again. It took years, but there were finally answers and, while not cures, ways to make things manageable. I wish the same – and more – for you.


  19. stay strong and go to a support group.!! when you have these feelings you need to speak and share with others. Even though you want to isolate try to get out and do not give up! I have been where you are so many times, it comes and it goes in waves. I am aware of it and do not let my thoughts trick me anymore. Everyone has the possibility to get well and get the right help. Don’t give up, you will get well. Please just try to think about how it would be to feel happy and peaceful. When was the last time you had such pleasant feelings? I recommend that you just try to meditate and think of such a place when you are depressed or feeling down. It really helps and gives you hope that everything will be fine:) good luck you can do it !!!!

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  20. Sometimes life is unbearably hard, and painful.. it just sucks. I don’t know what the answer is. I only know sometimes, it sucks, and u get through, past, over the crap… because there is nothing else to do. To not, may end ur hurt, but it begins anothers.

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  21. You are so unbelievable beautiful; you have one of the kindest souls I have ever come upon and you give hope. I don’t know what to write really; rather, I don’t know how to convey how much I admire your strength. You may not see your own strength, but it is there and it is prominent. Strength is not measured by one’s physical abilities; it is measured by one’s kindness and the want to help others whilst one is struggling. You embody the meaning of strength. When I say, “Stay Strong”, I don’t mean it as a backhand comment; I really do mean it because you already are strong, I just hope one day you look in the mirror and you see that strength xxxx Sam

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you honey. You are stunning by the way (if that is you in your photo). I have read your posts and really enjoy them so far. We have to be advocates for this cause… and show that there are good and bad days.
      Thank you for your kind words. You have made me smile upon waking! (:

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Thank you! yea that is me. You are so right babe! Mental illness has become some thing of a myth in society and it makes it so hard for others to find support! It’s absolutely maddening, but I’m so glad there are blogs like this people can look to for support. Keep doing what you’re doing love!

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  22. I am not sure what i can say except never doubt that you are making a difference. You may never know how many lives your story reaches and how it will change their lives. You are inspiring more than you know

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  23. I wish there was something I could do to make this easier. I wish I could just magically teleport half way around the world just to be there so you wouldn’t have to feel so alone. I’ve been in a similar place of darkness before, completely unable to see any glimmer of light and feeling completely hopeless. It is an absolutely horrible feeling and one I don’t think most people can understand. You just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other and trust that things can’t stay this bad forever. You have been a beacon of light for so many people here; remember to keep some of that light for yourself!


    1. Oh Sarah!
      That last past made me teary!
      I really do not feel as though I have a beacon of light, but I will keep trying. I’ll keep pushing through and writing… if it somehow helps people cope too.
      Thank you
      xxx it is nice to have people on here who understand


  24. I didn’t see this one Cass* Wow, from different parts of the world, but you seem similar in thought at times.

    I’m with you on the social media, my friends, and family are married, kids, etc, it’s all I hear about. Keeps my depression and pain on high alert, I don’t mean to bring this up, if your having a good day, I want it to stay that way.

    I feel similarly at times Cass, like the night you were kind enough to chat with me while in my slight episode, I had some of these similar thoughts.

    I just got back from a 3 mile run, the endorphin release is on full swing into my blood stream and I’m on an emotional high. 🙂 But, we know how that can change?

    Hmmm, Other things to say, but probably shouldn’t.

    I feel like I comment to much on your blog, Just, drawn to it I suppose, I feel similar things are in my mind, especially the social media, well, from a guys perspective.



    1. This was one of my not so great days!
      I don’t mind you commenting – it just shows that we are very similar in what we are going through. Feel free to comment whenever you like.
      I hope your good feeling stays a while longer!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Yea, I’m up right now taking some surveys and winding down. Pretty much wide awake.

        I have those who say I make my own depression, I do it to myself, just get over it! Uggh!

        My family continues to talk about all the wonderful things my cousins and everyone else in my family are doing, and it seems I just lay around all day wondering why I didn’t re-enlist and get away from it all?

        The marriage, kids, home, seems to elude me in my current self. I tried so hard for so long to keep it together at work, Now I am numb.

        Co-workers walked by and said “oh hes depressed, he’s gonna lose it” One guy even said “I need to know when your depressed so I can get out of the way and you don’t lose it on me.”

        I tell this to the doctors, and they ask me the same questions the next time, and say “here take these meds, if that doesn’t work I have a whole crap load more, that will cause nausea, bloating, weight gain, weakness and the like.”

        Yet, through all this I continued to work through it day after day, giving 50 hours a week, because that’s my mindset, my work ethic, that’s how I have been trained.

        I had enough, I let my boss and HR lady know I am taking time off work and use my vacation time. My doctor was to sign off and send in paperwork for disability, He said he did numerous times, after I had to hound him over and over, he never did. I left him and now am in the process of looking for a new doctor. Months later…. Hence the blogging… There’s a lot more and the grammar is terrible when I write comments, because I write as fast as it comes to me in my mind. Just getting it out.

        Thanks Cass*
        I like the Hugs XX Reminds me of “Nacho Libre”


      2. You can delete that Cass* anytime I vent like that. I just write to much. “Me me me” Sometimes. I Should be about keeping you well and happy as a friend, not being a drag. Time for me to read, 16 days in a row :).

        Go outside and Look at the moon, Oh wait, well, Later tonight, for you!

        Liked by 1 person

      3. Thanks Doll!

        Think my runners high is subsiding, better try and sleep before I post more depressingly. Something, came up today about my cousin, well 2 cousins, one got promoted to LT. The other, well, never mind. We know in my mind where that leads, thinking about other people’s achievements.

        Ending on a good note. Hmmm

        Oh Got It! My Dodgers are winning in the bottom of the 9th. Just turned on the radio.

        Night Cass*

        Liked by 1 person

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