For a moment.

I surprised myself today by pausing my anger and sadness, to find something to smile over.

My best friend, (the male who has seen me during my darkest moments), knew of my rough time, so he took me to one of my favourite places of serenity. I begged him to let me stay home. The nausea was overpowering, and I had a cramping, upset stomach that didn’t want to be fed today. But he wouldn’t take no for an answer.
“You need to get out of that house,” were his words, followed by his usual, “and if you vomit, you can vomit on me. I don’t care” (thoughtful).

It is Winter here, so the air was ice cold and I shook like a leaf, but there was a beautiful blue sky coloured with white clouds and a light from the hiding sun that was just slightly warm.
Williamstown Beach
I cannot tell you how wonderful it was to be surrounded by complete silence for a moment.
I even managed to walk through the sand, without someone to hold onto.
I stared at the granules, and the many footprints that marked it.
I dipped my toes into the water, which was probably not a great idea in Winter with a crappy quality immunity like mine.
I wondered who had walked the beach before I, and what they thought about as they looked out to sea.
I wondered how many felt as lost as I did.

I took in a deep breath, eyes closed, and felt my anxiety subside. My chest pain eased.

When I opened my eyes, I was faced with a little girl, no older than three. She was wrapped tightly in a pink raincoat, with a matching beanie, and was running through the sand holding a giant piece of seaweed. “I’m going to throw it on you, Mumma!” and she ran ahead with the brightest smile I have ever seen.

And, I smiled.
The first in months of pain and sadness – this little stranger made me smile.
And of course, he took a photo.

Smiles.
I had forgotten how happy I was when I worked with children.
I smiled nonstop, every single day.
I had forgotten what it was like to smile.

Now being back at home, behind my four walls, I can’t say that I feel as happy as earlier.
My usual state returned when I stepped foot off of the sand and onto concrete.
The heaviness in my chest,
the sadness,
the nausea,
the pain,
the reminder that I am still sick with trouble managing symptoms and darkened thoughts.

But, what I can say is that I so desperately wanted to take my own life yesterday, and if I had of, I would have missed this moment.

Advertisements

15 comments

  1. I’m so, so glad that you were able to find a moment of happiness! Sometimes moments like those are all we have to keep us going, and it’s so refreshing when one of those moments actually happens. In regards to your last post, I know how impossible it is to see anything other than the darkness when you reach your breaking point. I’m glad you were able to call someone and decide against taking your life. Now maybe you can use these moments to remind yourself that there is always something to hold onto, even if you can’t see it at the time. No matter how bad things seem, there will always be good moments like these to remind you that life is worth fighting for.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you honey. These days are very dark. I know there are many people out there worse off than us, but this is hard too. I would be more grateful if I hd management for the illness. I will try and hold onto those moments xx I hope you are having a good health day

      Liked by 2 people

  2. you are such a beautiful, incredible woman and I’m so happy and proud of you for being so strong and staying here in this life. I’m so glad you had this moment of peace and serenity and I hope you feel it again sometime soon. ❤

    lots of love being sent your way as always,
    Sandy ❤

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Hold on to precious moments like this one and your truly amazing friend as tight as you can!! It is a rare thing to find a person who you can truly say has seen you at your worst and still stays by your side. Your story is truly inspiring and you are helping others each and every day by sharing your experiences. There is joy in that too!

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s