For a moment.

I surprised myself today by pausing my anger and sadness, to find something to smile over.

My best friend, (the male who has seen me during my darkest moments), knew of my rough time, so he took me to one of my favourite places of serenity. I begged him to let me stay home. The nausea was overpowering, and I had a cramping, upset stomach that didn’t want to be fed today. But he wouldn’t take no for an answer.
“You need to get out of that house,” were his words, followed by his usual, “and if you vomit, you can vomit on me. I don’t care” (thoughtful).

It is Winter here, so the air was ice cold and I shook like a leaf, but there was a beautiful blue sky coloured with white clouds and a light from the hiding sun that was just slightly warm.

I cannot tell you how wonderful it was to be surrounded by complete silence for a moment.
I even managed to walk through the sand, without someone to hold onto.
I stared at the granules, and the many footprints that marked it.
I dipped my toes into the water, which was probably not a great idea in Winter with a crappy quality immunity like mine.
I wondered who had walked the beach before I, and what they thought about as they looked out to sea.
I wondered how many felt as lost as I did.

I took in a deep breath, eyes closed, and felt my anxiety subside. My chest pain eased.

When I opened my eyes, I was faced with a little girl, no older than three. She was wrapped tightly in a pink raincoat, with a matching beanie, and was running through the sand holding a giant piece of seaweed. “I’m going to throw it on you, Mumma!” and she ran ahead with the brightest smile I have ever seen.

And, I smiled.
The first in months of pain and sadness – this little stranger made me smile.
And of course, he took a photo.

I had forgotten how happy I was when I worked with children.
I smiled nonstop, every single day.
I had forgotten what it was like to smile.

Now being back at home, behind my four walls, I can’t say that I feel as happy as earlier.
My usual state returned when I stepped foot off of the sand and onto concrete.
The heaviness in my chest,
the sadness,
the nausea,
the pain,
the reminder that I am still sick with trouble managing symptoms and darkened thoughts.

But, what I can say is that I so desperately wanted to take my own life yesterday, and if I had of, I would have missed this moment.