I wish I could go back.

Here’s a short post due to the escalating brain fog caused by my new trial of medication. I started seeing a Psychologist last week. My Specialist(s) said it would “help me express myself during hardship”, and my friends and family believe it is the “cure to my illness”. They’re all probably happier/relieved that I’m talking to someone “professional” instead of them, because they don’t know how to respond to me when I say, “so, I want to die“.

My first words to him were, “I don’t want this illness. I wish I could go back and change time. This wasn’t meant to happen to me“.

His response was, “But it DID happen. It isn’t about karma, or luck. You can’t go back, you can’t wish it away. You have it, not because it was meant to happen, because it happened. I assure you that you will not move forth and accept, until you stop looking back and questioning why“.

I didn’t say much after that.

Psychologist = 1

Cass = 0



    1. I know. I remember going home and thinking, “it’s too simple”. Everyone goes through life believing in something, in a reason for things happening, and he made it seem incredibly simple.
      It makes me think there is something horribly wrong with me for not seeing it the way he does, and “taking things as they come”

      Liked by 2 people

      1. Here’s the thing, there was a time I cared. I don’t now. There was a time I was enthusiastic and had goals. No more. There was a time I was climbing but already felt like I was on top of the world. Now I am on top and I feel buried. If I quit looking back, if I quit remembering who I was, if I let go of the old Chris before I find myself again, I might quit altogether.


      2. Well said.
        I feel the same way.
        I feel like if I stop asking questions, trying to figure out why and how, I won’t have any reason to stay anymore.

        He had many other things to say in our second visit. But that is for another post. They see things that we are not able to, and I wonder if they have experienced somehing like we have/ever thought beyond their bubble.

        Liked by 1 person

  1. I used to spend a lot of my time wishing things had been different in any number of ways. “If only I had…” “If only I hadn’t..” “If only they had…” etc. Then I heard someone say, “I need to give up all hope of having had a better past.” Light bulb!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I hate it when people tell me that “everything happens for a reason” no it f***ing doesn’t…and even if it did…that’s not gonna make me feel better.
    It takes a while to find the right therapist, I went through 3 before the one I’ve got now, but it’s so great when you do find the right one, it helps me way more than antidepressants do.
    Why don’t you try and ask for a different one? (If you can, not sure how the health system works in Australia)
    I hope it works out soon!


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