LL IV

I apologise in advance for disappointing you, but I fear that I am not enough for you.
All that I am.

All that I am not.

And, I don’t know how to be more than this… especially at the moment.

What do I do?

Which road do I take?

When is the right time?

How do I do it?

I am unable to offer what I used to.

I am still selfless, but more selfish.

Most times I don’t listen to full sentences as my brain is weak and lacks in concentration, so forgive me if you have to repeat things.

I might need to hold onto you to walk, and some days I won’t be able to walk at all, but I will try every day for you. I will push myself until I fall.

The nausea will stop me from speaking some days, but on these days I will try to be a better listener.

I will put up a defence wall when I feel threatened, and I will let you win every argument because I don’t have the energy to spare on fighting you.

I fear that the progress I have made will never be enough, as I will never be the person I was before this.

Each day will forever remain a challenge, and I will forever be different to how you once remembered me.

I promise you, though, that I am trying to be more than this illness.

I am trying to be more, for you.

I relish in your energy, using it as a temporary bandaid for my symptoms.

I will brave each bad storm, in hope that when it passes, we can walk hand in hand through the puddles together, all of the way to our rainbow.

I want you to note my flaws, and accept them. Maybe in time I can remould them into something beautiful.

I want forehead kisses when the days are dull and my heart feels empty.

I want you to glide your tongue over every inch of my skin, reminding me that there is a warmer, softer feeling beyond chronic pain.

I want to be reminded of the world outside of this plague of disease.

I want you to love all of me, like I love all of you.

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9 comments

  1. Beautiful! This I relate to on so many levels. I haven’t been able to write for a while. Thank you for your honesty and your precious moments. My life is somewhat crazy and I’m so glad you wrote this…

    Liked by 1 person

  2. keep your head up love.. I believe that you will have a great story to uplift and inspire others at the end of this period of your life.. the illness may never leave you but I believe that one day once you’ve decided enough is enough you will turn this around and find a way to make your hurt, pain, suffering and overcoming a tool to help others who may find themselves in a situation super similar to yours.. YOU’VE GOT THIS!

    Like

  3. “I am trying to be more, for you.” …. I am trying to be more for me. Then I will be more for others. I have to take care of me first.
    But I get it.
    Really I do.
    very beautifully written.

    Like

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