Confessions:

I think about taking this site down at least four times a week.

I fought antidepressants for months, until I was forced into taking them.

I struggle with loneliness daily.

I haven’t had an anxiety attack in months.

I fear driving.

I always drop ice-cream on my shirt, or jeans, or mouth, or floor.

I am a horrible listener in person, as I am easily distracted.

I am a better support to others, than to myself.

I check my phone 80+ times a day.

I am in love with someone who doesn’t love me in return.

I lack in self-confidence.

I have been staring at my wall for over an hour, drawing blanks about my future posts.

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25 comments

  1. For whatever reason, this post really resonates with me! The whole thing is quite beautiful. Poetic. Confessional. Thank you for sharing, and I am so sorry about the pain you have in your loneliness. I pray and hope that you will find the friend that you deserve and need! Because we all need a good friend.
    Heather

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  2. I know, but it will get better. “Hope is the thing with wings…” There has to be hope. All is not lost. Keep writing – even if it’s just random thoughts.

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  4. Love to you, lady. Antidepressants stink, but they can give you the boost needed to get over the hump. They can also help with pain, which is a major bonus, and I suspect is one of the reasons they were recommended? There are tons of options, so if what you’re taking now isn’t working, it’s possible a different drug will be of more benefit.

    And hey, I sometimes think I should delete my blog, too! I deleted about 80% of my posts not too long ago because I was overtired and thinking ‘uh, no one needs to read this shit’. I think it’s a fairly common phenomena when you write about stuff that’s so personal in nature. The same goes for writer’s block. I don’t name my posts until I’m finished with them because I have no idea what I’m going to write about until I’m finished most of the time. My writing certainly won’t win any awards, but that’s not the point. I use it as a therapeutic tool.

    I highly recommend you keep writing even if it’s a stream of thoughts like this, keep dropping ice cream all over yourself, and keep being you. It’s nice to see you posting again!

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    1. Yes! I was given them for the Gastroparesis, actually. I’ve tried a few other ones more targeted for pain. I’ve tried every digestive medication on the market, but none of them helped with the pain and nausea. My Gastroenterologist said that some patients like this has responded well to antidepressants, but I have to increase slowly over a few months. This one in particular saw great responses from sufferers of Gastroparesis. it’s called Mirtazapine.

      Pain comes and goes but it isn’t as sharp as before! I am also craving so many foods that I cannot have, and the weight gain is crazy! haha.

      Oh, I currently feel that way. I did a clean out too. I am glad that I am not alone. I will continue to use this blog as my outlet, and if it reaches one person then I’m happy!

      ❤ I want to see this food log of yours! I am yet to reply to your other comment.

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  5. I too am all the things you mentioned in your post and then some. I haven’t been blogging because my thoughts are just too depressing. Yep, nobody wants to read that shit,

    My last harrah was selling the Plexus line of health supplements. They have helped my symptoms a lot but nobody wants to buy them and I am not pushy. My financial situation is in the toilet. My son cannot/will not be helped and the depression is overwhelming me. I have fought long and hard but I am tired and paralyzed.Just turned 58… I would say that 38 years of fighting is impressive. It is also enough… I just hug my dogs and wait.

    You are young and beautiful inside and out, Cass. Keep fighting…

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  6. Do you know, I bet most of us – if we were as honest as you are being – would write a list similar to that on far too many days… You write what can be spluttering within me at any time. I do hope you get what you need and what you deserve to have to live your life. Keep faith in yourself and be kind to yourself… Wishing you all that is good. Nell 🙂

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  7. I wish I could give you a big hug, and tell you ’til you believe me that you are an amazing, wonderful young woman. It’ll be a messy hug, because of the ice cream down your front and various food down mine. Seriously, is my mouth not big enough??

    If you actually understood, how much you are helping other people, I think you’d have a different view today. BELIEVE ME, PLEASE.

    I used to have a fear of driving, I was agorophobic for a few years too. I used visualisation to help me. Seeing journey’s in bright colours in my mind, seeing the journey go well. Helped me, and I was a total nutcase.

    I don’t drive still if I don’t need to, but I can drive to work and to the shops, so that’s fine with me.

    That meat beater guy (or whatever you called him!!) has really lost out by turning his back on you. I feel sorry for him. A new guy is around the corner waiting, I know, but only when you are ready for him. My spidey senses say he’s tall and muscley too. Ooo.

    Enjoy your ice cream, and don’t you dare stop blogging.
    Judith.

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  9. This really strikes a chord with me, I’m so sorry to read this, but I’m pleased you shared it. That’s the best way to treat it, to share it, to talk about it, to be open about it. Your blog inspires so many people (just look at the number of comments!) and your honesty is admirable. But when blogging feels like a bit of a chore I can understand why you might what to pack it all in. Sometimes you just have to do what’s best for you. I wish you all the best! 🙂

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  11. To fight all my demons use different things to cope. Blogging has been my go to for over 15 years but listening to music, reading and coloring help. Sometimes I’ll blog and keep it private and color for a while and re read the draft and post it.

    Keep doing what you’re doing lady, you have a community of people here. ❤🐰

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