In Loving Memory.

*IMPORTANT POST*

It is through tears and sadness that I write this post tonight.

I received some devastating news, and have spent my past two days in a complete state of shock. I have gone to write this so many times, but I just don’t know what to say.

Back in Childcare, I became very close to a mother from Spain, as I taught her firstborn. She was my first friend at that centre, and her family became more like family to me.
When I fell ill in late 2014, she also fell ill to similar symptoms as I. I resigned, and we both spent time searching for answers and keeping in close contact. We forever spoke about how tough it was finding support for something that nobody understood, and how challenging it was to be told to “think positively” repeatedly when we were suffering in silence. We both understood each other on a level that not many others can relate to; a level that you would understand quite well if you too are ill. She gave her full support for this blog, and for that I am so thankful.

It has been close to two years since I last worked with her son, and saw her face-to-face. We spoke every few weeks and shared health, children and life updates, and I was only catching up on her photos with the children a few days ago, when I found out the horrible news.

I can’t even say it, because I don’t want to believe it.

I know that this message must be shared, but I wish every second that it was not with my friend as the example.

I find myself grieving for the loss of a friend, and grieving for a husband and two younger children who are without a wife and mother from this day forth.

I cannot stress the following enough:

Chronic Illness, whether mental, physical or combined, is an incredibly difficult journey. The uncertainty is terrifying, the tests are invasive, the symptoms are debilitating. It is a burden, it is lifechanging, it is exhausting, it is lonely, it is depressing…
But please, please don’t let it become a death sentence.
Do not let the overwhelming darkness of Chronic Illness kill you.

Your parents, your extended family, your children, your friends, your colleagues; I guarantee that one or more of these love you and care about your wellbeing.
I, a complete stranger, care about your wellbeing.
You might have mistaken their silence for being rude or uncaring, but they most likely have NO knowledge of your inner thoughts and pain. You must take the step to reach out. Reach out to anyone.
Please, do not battle in silence.
There are loved ones, Psychologists, Doctors and Counsellors who are here to listen to you, to help you.

In memory of my dear friend, I ask three simple things of you tonight:

1) Reach out to your loved ones tonight and simply, LOVE them.
Put aside all anger, all stress and just tell your loved ones how much they mean to you, please.

2) If you know of someone going through hardship, or haven’t spoken to someone in a while, I encourage you to reach out and ask them the simple question, “How are you?”
This simple sentence packs a powerful punch.
Mental health is real,
Suicide is real,
and with these three words, you might start the conversation that saves someone’s life

3) Please share this post in loving memory of my friend, and to spread awareness for those battling Suicidal Thoughts who might not think that they have a reason to live tonight –
You DO.

Finally, to my dear friend A,

I am having a hard time accepting that this is goodbye.
I still find myself going to message you. I want to speak to you just one last time.
I don’t want to believe that this is how our journey ends.
You were a unique soul and the most incredible mother to those beautiful boys. I mean that. You were an even better wife and a genuine, loving friend.

I am holding close to my heart all of the wonderful memories I shared with you and your family. I remember the day that we met, and knowing that our friendship would last a life time. I loved my job for children and families like yours.
I clearly remember cuddles with little one and nicknaming him a Koala-bear as he glued himself to my chest; I remember the Christmas Decorations you handmade me (which I still have on my tree each year); I remember becoming so sidetracked with chatting at work, that I’d think you were one of my colleagues as you’d be sitting with me and the children at story time; and I remember your complete support when I first fell ill.
You offered numerous times to care for me, and to have relaxing “girl” days at your house. You sent me photos of the children’s birthdays, because you knew how heartbroken I was about having to leave my dream job. When you referred to me as your son’s second Mum, I was overwhelmed at how close we had all become – that we were now family.

Each night, you would tell me about all of the wonderful adventures you had planned for the children at home; that you always kept them busy with cooking, decorating, creative activities. You were adventurous, accepting, and kind beyond words.
I was in awe of you.

I went home wishing that all parents loved like you and your husband did.
I wished that every child I would teach in the future, was like yours.

You were destined to be a nurse and mother. It was your natural instinct to care for others before yourself, and I wish you could have seen how great you would have been.

I feel absolutely sick to my stomach that we will never get to have that girl’s night that we planned for so long.
I hope you know how special you were to so many people.
I know in my heart that you were strong. This does not at all show any sign of weakness, or define you. I know that you were suffering, and for that, I am so sorry.
I can’t stop crying, A.
I hope that you are reading this somewhere, and know how much of an impact you made on my life. I know that you will continue to guide the little one’s on their path through life, and you have my word that I will be there for them too. I will remind them of how incredible you were.

We will meet again one day, and we will have that girl’s night we planned, I promise.

I hope you are painfree now, sweetheart.
You will be missed terribly, and loved always.

Until we meet again, Rest In Peace X

If you are, or you know of someone, dealing with Suicidal Thoughts, Depression or general hardship, please locate a Suicide Hotline or Chatsite in your given country of residence:
http://www.suicide.org/international-suicide-hotlines.html

 

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43 comments

  1. I’m so sorry for the loss of your dear friend. Your devastation has left me heartbroken for you. I have no words to heal your pain, only the hope that A is in peace now. And I thank you for reaching out during this impossible moment to raise awareness about the importance of discussing suicide openly and without judgement. xx

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Reblogged this on Fighting Back and commented:
    PLEASE read this post. It is of the utmost importance for both the chronic illness sufferer AND their friends and families. You don’t always know the struggles that are kept silent. Remember to always LOVE and BE KIND!
    Thank you, Cass for opening your heart and posting this… who knows how many you may help!! HUGS

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I am so sorry for your loss. My heart goes out to you and her family and loved ones. Chronic illness of all sorts is hard to live with, and unfortunately it sometimes gets the best of us. It’s very admirable for you to reach out and share this sad news to help raise awareness for those suffering and struggling.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. This must have been incredibly difficult for you to write. I’m sorry for your loss. It is admirable that you have managed to take this pain that you feel and put it to a good use. Raising awareness is the only way that we can end this stigma, which is so important in our recovery. Thank you. As I’ve said before, you’ve helped so many of us bloggers, it might be time that we return the favour. Take care Cass, and look after yourself, as I’m sure you know, there are people in this world who care for you.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I am so sorry Cass for your loss.
    Chronic illness and depression go hand in hand
    I am really sorry about her husband and children
    Brave angel, reat in peace

    We all know what it is to be on that abyss edge…
    Loss at words

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I am so sorry for your loss. Reading this post brought me to tears, and I cannot even begin to understand how difficult a time this is for you, or how difficult this was for you to write. My heart goes out to you, and to A’s family and loved ones. I hope that she is pain free, and at peace.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Hey Cass, I’m so sorry for your loss. I can’t even begin to imagine the pain you’re probably feeling right now. I’m so impressed that you were able to share this with all of us with such honesty and grace. Many people cannot begin to grasp the severity of what chronic illness can do. You spreading awareness is amazing, and as you said, very important. Sending hugs your way. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  8. So sorry to hear this, my condolences. I will reblog this because it’s a very important message and I too lately have battled with such thoughts. Depression is no joke. I want to thank you for sharing this through your pain, because such words can mean so much. Reading this helped me tonight. – Krystal

    Liked by 1 person

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