I Choose To Stay.

I have two big things that I’d like to share with my lovely followers today.

Firstly, I received a call today from a very well known hospital in Melbourne, and I have been accepted into the first Interview Application Process for the Chronic Pain Management Program I spoke about close to six months ago. My Specialists and I haven’t spoken about it since early January, assuming that our attempts were forgotten or rejected.
There is a lot of legal paperwork being sent out to me today, and to be entirely honest with you, I don’t have complete knowledge as to what I am signing up for.

All I know is that this program is not offered to every patient, it has taken six months to get through to the first process, I am expected to meet with them in two weeks and sit in front of a team of Medical Professionals who will be choosing the best cases to go forth with the program.

If there was any time to really share my story, it’s now.

I believe that this program is an ideal step in the right direction for my illness journey. I have reached a roadblock in regards to managing my chronic nerve pain, so this has come at the best time. I will keep you posted on the outcome and visits that follow via my Instagram Page and Blog.

Secondly, I would like to share a quick story with you in addition to spreading “hope” in spite of any bad days, or rough flareups you are currently experiencing.

I have been suffering with a really awful stomach flareup these past two weeks. I have gone through days where I have not eaten, I suddenly have reflux that is burning my throat and chest, and my stomach has decided not to digest any food – liquids or solids. It is an extremely exhausting process.

Last night I forced myself up and out of the house to surprise a really good friend at her birthday.
I have not made an appearance in a public bar in about two and a half years, due to illness, so this was a massive achievement for me.

As I am in war with my own body, I also battle my own mind when it comes to making decisions about using extra spoons for my social life. I can sit here for hours tossing up and pros and cons of going out for an event, and when I choose to cancel, I feel disheartened and label myself as a “shit friend”.
I do not enjoy letting my loved ones down, or disappointing them because I cannot attend their planned events.
We, (the chronically ill) feel awful day in, day out and then we feel burdened when we are in public with others, and guilty when we are too ill to be social. We know how much energy it takes to prepare and attend an event, and we know how guilt-ridden we will be if we choose not to.
It’s a constant cycle.
But, like the birthday girl said, “illness is out of your control”.
Remember that, because it is true.
Chronic Illness has taught me many things, but one of the important ones is that we did not ask for this, nor are we doing it to ourselves. We are not in control of the situation at hand. Now, you can either take that information and choose to die, or you can take it and choose to fight.

I choose to fight.

I am really lucky to have a supportive group of friends who understand my limitations, and do not grow ill feelings towards me if I cancel on them due to illness.
I was well cared for and had a really lovely night.

Many people have asked, and will ask the obvious: am I paying for it today?
Yes, I am paying for it today, and yes it was loud and terrifying and completely out of my comfort zone, but I’d go back and do it again. All of the pain I felt yesterday, and today, I would go through all over again if I could have another enjoyable night like this: a night where I felt as “normal” as could be.

I’m not encouraging you to force yourself to do things that your body cannot do. You know your own body and your limitations. But, I want to stress the fact that there ARE good moments.
They might not come around as often as I would like, but when they do they are beautiful.
My constant strength through the rough days is that eventually I will reach one day like this; one worth staying for:

C xo

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8 comments

  1. Bravo, courageous adventurer, that you choose to fight on! Glad you enjoyed the night! Here’s to many more like it! And it’s very much a blessing to have support like that from your friends. They are awesome and they know how awesome you are, too!

    Liked by 2 people

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