I thought yesterday was my boiling point, but apparently, it was just the final bubbles before the real explosion.
I had Acupuncture this morning.
I remained quiet the entire way through.
That’s not usually like me. The poor guy can’t shut me up.
When he left the room, I cried.
I came out feeling incredibly lost.
The burning pain in my chest has been there for days now. First, I thought it was everlasting reflux. It turns out that it’s my heart telling me I am stressed – the everlasting anxiety.
My parents and friends are whinging about having to drive me to and from appointments, but what about me? Does anyone think of the patient? I don’t want to be poked and prodded (literally) and have medication shoved down my throat. I don’t want to be the guinea pig, with no results. It has been nine excruciating months of pain, nausea, hospital visits, appointments in the middle of nowhere, test after test after test, scans and negative results, false hope, body changes, negative feedback and whispers.
So, when I got home, and a family member said something that pushed me over the edge, I literally broke.
A violent rage came over me.
I suddenly felt all of the pain over the past nine months, all rolled into one ball.
It was squashing me.
I haven’t driven Since November 2014.
I picked up my car keys in rage, went to my car and drove away. About ten seconds in, I started shaking violently because I realised what I was doing. I was driving. I am terrified of driving. I had a pre-existing anxiety towards it, but before I got really sick, I was practicing and was actually… okay at it if I had someone in the car with me. But then I got sick, and the thought of being dizzy and nauseous and driving, was all too much.
The anger in me somehow shoved the anxiety aside and I ended up at my favourite park. I’m not sure if I have mentioned this before, but I have an unhealthy admiration for trees, and this park has the most beautiful trees, and because of its secret location you are almost always surrounded by silence.
But today, being a Saturday afternoon, there were three sports matches on. Cars filled up every parking spot, parents were screaming at their kids to “catch the ball”, dogs being walked by owners.
I managed to find a carpark and just sit for a moment.
Something itching in me said, “just do it”.
I have nothing to live for.
I am sick with a condition that cannot be managed. My condition is still hazy. If the symptoms alone weren’t enough, Specialists don’t know what to do with me, my family don’t know how to handle me, and I feel incredibly alone day in and day out.
I do not remember the last time I smiled, or laughed, or enjoyed myself.
I have been too sick to think of anything but being sick.
Nobody cares was ringing through my head.
I burst into tears. I stared at every tree and wanted so desperately to drive straight into one.
But instead, I called someone I knew I shouldn’t have called.
He was the only one I wanted to answer.
If he didn’t answer, there was no hope for me.
If he did answer, then maybe he would give me a reason to stay.
The phone rang.
I waited, tears clouding my eyes.
I cried harder, knowing I’d stay and fight another day.