lone

Chronic Illness Realisations.

There is a struggle to accept new norm.
I am at war with my mind, every day.
I cannot accept the fact that I have an Invisible Illness, or that it cannot (currently) be managed.
I cannot accept the fact that this is my life now.
I feel like I am having the same nightmare night after night, and haven’t woken.
Accepting this, makes me feel helpless… as though I have reached the end of my story and the illness has won.

Doctors are only good when dealing with black and white.
If you have a concrete diagnosis, then Doctors are probably able to offer assistance.
But hand them months of tests and mystery results, and they have no idea how to treat you and become less compassionate to your situation.
It is frustrating for us, but isn’t their fault. Our condition probably gives them anxiety as their hands are tied when it comes to treating us.

Depression and Anxiety are inevitable.
We are coping with a lot during this time.
It is natural to develop Anxiety and Depression somewhere along the way.
We have a right to feel anxious and saddened.
Most of our lives have been turned upside down.
But it is important to remember that your Depression and Anxiety are not solely your illness.
They are underlying… symptoms even.
Your Chronic Illness led to the development of your Mental Illness.

The body is fragile.
I underestimated the ability of the body to crash, and to heal. I had a small cold, or viral infection, and I would push myself to work, to study, to go out.
Those days seem a mile away now.
My body is weak, and if it were to get a viral infection now I fear it would take weeks to recover.
I am not as strong as I thought.
All of the rest and vitamins in the world, would not rid me of this illness.
We are fragile creatures.

The world does not stop whilst we are ill.
We may feel as though we aren’t moving, but we are. We are growing older each day… but our motions aren’t changing.
We aren’t achieving, we aren’t earning.
It’s like having our feet cemented in concrete. I can move my arms, think, see, feel. But I can’t walk to the end of the block. I can’t break free from the hold. Meanwhile, people are continuously passing…

People have more time to pass judgement than to offer assistance.
I, as I’m sure you, recieve a lot of opinions from people in regards to my illness, and what I should be doing to “make a full recovery”.
I cannot comprehend how people have the time to voice their opinions, but cannot use thirty seconds of their time to giving us a phonecall, or sending us a thoughtful “how are you feeling?” message.
The way I see it is you either have time for me, or you don’t. If you have the time to tell me about the herbal remedies your great grandmother passed down to you, and that I should try to go to a Gym, do Yoga and eat more – then you have time to ask me how I am or pay me a visit.

Relationships are much harder to manage.
I don’t know how couples have time to be romantic or work on their relationship when one of them is chronically ill. Maybe I haven’t found the right person yet.
Chronic illness puts strain on relationships – romantic or non. I find myself being forced to only worry about myself, and that is a hard thing to do. I also find that the partner must focus more on being a financial aid and feels as though they wear the burden if being the main punching bag for my rollercoaster of emotions.
Partners feel neglected, unable to cope with the changes. They also may feel like the person they were with at the beginning, is now gone.
The partner has to be prepared to take on a little more of the weight, which is unfair.
The cycle spins – love, pressure, frustration, anger… until finally there is a natural drift between the both of you, and neither parties have the slightest energy to go on.

There is, though, a rare handful of people who have found that one who accepts them with their illness and battles alongside them. They have a plan that works. And to those who have found these special, supportive people – I am happy for you, and I’m indeed envious.

We have to be our own best friend.
I’m not going to lie, I hate my body… I hate myself since being ill. I am not happy with my appearance, my mindset, my struggle to heal.
I am angry.
But, who really understand this illness?
Who has to live through the symptoms?
Who knows you the best?

You.

We are alone most days… so, you might as well begin to like yourself at least, seeming as you are the only one who can fight this, and you will be spending a lot of time together.

We take too many things for granted.
I have a lot of time to think, and therefore I have a lot of regrets.
I have taken large and small things for granted.
If I get a second chance at good health, I know I will do things the right way. I will take care of my body during infections, I will travel, spend my time with those who truly love me, spend more time with my family, not stress as much and make the most of every second.
I will change, because I see how much I have lost now, and I feel soul-less.

How about you?
Have you had any different realisations since being ill?