loveletter

LL VII

Remember when we first met? We finished our first conversation and you asked for my number. I looked down and said, “I have a partner”. You half smiled and replied, “Can’t you have friends?”

I do.

Remember when you crept up behind me that night, cupped my hips and pulled me directly into you? You hugged me so tight and I felt eyes, from a room full of people, burn my skin.

I do.

Remember when we ended our first phonecall, which went well past 3am? I hid my laughter in my pillow. There was a silence, then you asked me if I felt it too.

I do.

Remember when you planned a spontaneous weekend away? I said yes before you finished the sentence, and skipped joyfully all of the way to the trainstation.

I do.

Remember when you told me that you stopped using? You said that drugs didn’t leave you with the positive feeling I did.

I do.

Remember when we first had sex? I was so anxious and guilt-ridden, that I stopped midway and cried in your arms. I couldn’t look you in the eye.

I do.

Remember when you told me you loved me for the first time? I was babysitting, and almost dropped the child out of shock. I told you that you didn’t know what you were feeling.

I do.

Remember when we struggled to finish a day’s work? We were so tired from speaking every night past midnight, but we kept repeating our mistakes.

I do.

Remember when we parked the car that night, at the Vet with the faulty light? I told you that I didn’t know what I wanted. You spat the words ‘never again’ and drove me home.

I do.

Remember when I tried calling you on a blocked number? You heard my voice, said nothing, and never answered again.

I do.

Remember when you contacted me from America? We reminisced on Skype for hours. You told me you didn’t know if you’d come back home.

I do.

Remember when we saw each other at lunch that day? I could feel you watching me through your sunglasses. You smiled at me, and I in return.

I do.

Remember when I told you I had fallen ill? You told me that I was strong, and that you would stay this time to support me.

I do.

Remember when we drove to the park and laid under the stars? You asked me if I was happy, and I said no. You told me you weren’t happy too.

I do.

Remember when you drove me home that blistering hot night, and I told you that you never left my thoughts? You told me that we would happen in good time.

I do.

Remember when we shared our second-first kiss? You grabbed me from the car window, pulled me into you and left me breathless.

I do.

Remember we had our second-first time? You kissed every inch of my body, and whispered in my ear “I never want to leave”.

I do.

Remember when we held hands for the first time in public? We both said ‘I’m so happy’ on queue, and giggled childishly.

I do.

Remember when I was craving Ben & Jerry’s, and you said that it would make my stomach turn? I sulked all of the way home, and you surprised me with a tub when I hopped into bed.

I do.

Remember when I could hear noises that windy night, coming from outside? I cornered you into the wall and took up the entire bed. You still cuddled me.

I do.

Remember when we had our first argument? You told me that I’d never be good enough to meet your Mum, and then you cried in my arms apologetically.

I do.

Remember when I told you that my weak spot was my family? You said that you admired my love and protection for them.

I do.

Remember when we were in bed and I asked you what you were thinking? You said you could see yourself married to me one day. I grabbed your hand and squeezed it tight.

I do.

Remember our first public outing as a couple? You kissed me in front of our friends and kept your eyes glued to mine the entire time.

I do.

Remember when you were contemplating moving back to America? You said that the only thing stopping you was leaving your cousin behind. I cried.

I do.

Remember when you bought my Mum flowers for her birthday, and she told you that you had made her day? I told you that she loved you more than me, and you smiled.

I do.

Remember when I told you that I missed my period? You cursed and said that you weren’t ready to be a Dad, but you couldn’t live with yourself if I got rid of it.

I do.

Remember when I called you crying after the Doctor’s visit? I told you that my body had rejected it. You told me you were busy and couldn’t speak.

I do.

Remember when I got you an interview with the University? You held my chin, kissed my lips, whispering repeatedly that you were thankful for me.

I do.

Remember when you went missing for days and once you finally resurfaced, admitting that you had been using? I contacted a helpline and begged them for guidance.

I do.

Remember when you cooked for us, in my kitchen? You kissed my head and told me you wanted to move in with me.

I do.

Remember when I bought you a schoolbag to celebrate your enrolment in the New Year? You wore the bag around the house, grinning like a schoolboy.

I do.

Remember when you moved out of home? You begged me to stay the night, and that my company was the only one that you wanted.

I do.

Remember when you made me breakfast that morning? You asked me if I wanted more sausage, and I giggled as I revealed that I had already stolen some from your plate.

I do.

Remember when you told me that you didn’t feel our chemistry anymore? I laughed because I thought you were joking.

I do.

Remember when we had sex that night? I told you that I loved you, and you said nothing.

I do.

Remember when you said that you could not fall in love with me because I was a class beneath you? That I came from a family of peasants? You could hear my heart hit the floor.

I do.

Remember when you called me to say that you lost the bag I bought you? I told you it was okay; then hung up the phone and cried.

I do.

Remember when you said that I wasn’t enough anymore? That you’d eventually leave me for a girl who was prettier and smarter than I?

I do.

Remember when I accused you of using me? You told me that you weren’t thinking straight and had confused what you saw in me, with what you really wanted.

I do.

Remember when you said that we’d never be together; that you needed me to move on? I pinned you to your bed and shook my head in tears.

I do.

Remember when you said goodbye for the final time? You told me you’d always love me, but I wasn’t enough.

I do.

Remember when I begged you to reconsider? I screamed that you wouldn’t get another chance. You told me that you didn’t need one.

I do.

Remember when I cried for weeks after you stripped me of all of my love and kindness?
Remember when I put all of my weakself into you, because I feared losing you again?
Remember when I replayed your spiteful words over and over in my head like a broken record?
Remember when I looked through each of our photos, feeling sick to my stomach from memories?
Remember when you made me feel so worthless and unimportant, that I wanted to die?

No, you don’t remember,
but I do.
I remember.

LL VI

Painted,
is my wall,
with your fingerprints;
a canvas of your presence in my bed.

Battered,
is my heart,
with your beatings;
a punching bag torn and sewn with thread.

Riddled,
is my mind,
with your promises;
a distortion of an eternity together.

Opened,
are my wounds,
with your bare hands;
a hole left to rott forever.

Degraded,
is the feeling,
you instilled in me;
a confidence now enveloped in shame.

Faded,
is my colour,
with your darkness;
a failure with no-one else to blame.

Shallow,
is my breath,
with your grasp;
a strength I am unable to free.

Gone,
is my worship,
of your soul;
a future of love without me.

LL V

My sheets still have your scent scattered all over,
So I stripped them clear in attempt to wash you away.

My neck still tingles from where you planted the softest of kisses,
So I scrubbed away your lips until my skin bled.

My body is marked from your bites and nibbles,
So I concealed them from the judging eyes of others.

My desk is the haven for each thrust and moan,
So I sheathed it with tissues soaked from crying with ache.

My fingers were left open for yours to fit perfectly,
So I clenched my fist until it went numb.

My eyes captured your loving gaze in a picturesque moment,
So I closed them in hope that the black shadows would blind me.

My kindness was served on a gold platter and abused,
So I was forced to be selfish and never trust a soul again.

My memories are tainted with your intimate words,
So I blocked them out by repeating your falsities.

My heart beat loud with your name engraved into its tissue,
So I cut deep into my flesh hoping I’d stop it from beating.

My breath was steady when you flashed that gorgeous smile,
It is now erratic and accompanied by chest pain.

My stomach once held an enclosure of beautiful butterflies,
Then the bile rose and killed off each and every flutter.

You promised me the world but left me in pieces,
So I picked up each fragment and rebuilt what you broke.

LL III

He lies beside me,
Heavy eyes,
Limbs tangled,
Hands entwined.

His voice murmurs,
Deep and delicious,
In between bouts of sleep haze,
I love you.

I whisper in return
Ever so softly,
the three words,
That keep us from breaking.

I love you.
I do not blink.
It is not to he whom I speak,
It is to the love tainting my mind.

He lies beside me,
Limbs tangled,
Hands entwined.
I am wishing it was you.

LL I

What more do you want from me?
An arm, a leg?
Here, I might as well saw them off and give them to you because you have taken everything else from me.

You stole the glowing light from within me that made me shine with confidence.

You stole my heart, and pulverised it.

You stole my ability to feel; after you drowned me in feeling anything but you.

You stole my ability to trust through the compulsive lying and repetitive gambling.

You stole my kindness; ripped it from within me, threw it to the floor numerous times and watched it bleed dry.

You stole my thoughts; my mind is lost in memories and what if’s.

You stole my strength, and now I have succumb to this illness as being my defeator.

You stole my hope for the future, for romance, for change, for what once was.

You stole my pride, in myself and in you.

You stole my happiness, and now I fear I will be chained to this numbness forever.

You stole my ability to self-heal, and to have more strength as this illness destroys my body.

You stole my sunshine, and left me with a painted grey cloud of excuses.

You stole my time; I waited for you, I waited for you some more… the waiting was neverending.

You stole my generosity and overused it to your advantage because you knew you had me wrapped around your little finger.

You stole my ability to forgive and forget; because every time I believed you, you knived me in the back.

You stole my independence, as my life always revolved around you.

You stole my dreams; of having an honest relationship, a family, a future.

You stole my ability to love, or ever be loved again.

So, trust me when I say that giving you one of my limbs is nothing in comparison to what you have already taken from me.