You could say I’ve always pushed myself to achieve the best.
I grew up knowing that I would be a writer. I wrote, I won competitions, I joined writing clubs, I was published, I studied Professional Writing for two years at University. I had a plan. Study, publish a novel, marry by 25 and have kids by 30.
But then, I graduated, and was not satisfied. I didn’t think anyone would be interested in reading my stories. I lost my writing spark, so, like any normal person, I took a temporary gap to ‘find myself’.
I worked fulltime, saved my money (which I was yet to know would be much needed in the future) and at one point, worked two jobs and studied.
I was so hard on myself for not wanting to write anymore. That was my plan, and I didn’t adjust well to change. My heart just wasn’t in it anymore.
I hated working fulltime in a fastfood outlet because I knew I was meant to achieve more than making burgers and cleaning tables (I learnt so much from working in that industry).
So, I decided to study Childcare. I worked when I was sick, I studied when I was exhausted and I still managed to fit a relationship and friends into my perfect little plan.
I was on top of the world once I started working in Childcare fulltime. I absolutely loved my job and I was furthering my studies to become a fully qualified ‘Room Leader’ (as opposed to an assistant). Children, are wonderful creatures and they filled my heart with a warmness unlike no other.
My body, though, did not adjust to the germ-infested environment of Childcare. My immunity was shockingly low, despite every vitamin and suggestion I tried. I caught every little virus these beautiful children had. I didn’t mind.
The one virus that I caught that changed everything completely, was Shingles. If you’ve had them before, you know exactly what I mean. They are unlike any pain you’ve ever felt before. And, I caught it twice (which is apparently rare). I was off work for months at a time, then I pushed myself to return and would have a few good weeks, then I’d get sick again and the cycle would repeat. It was endless. My immunity just… disappeared.
By December, I had wasted away to nothing.
I would go for days without eating, and naturally I was severely underweight. My symptoms had worsened, and I seemed to have more problems than to begin with. No doctor knew why I was so sick.
I began to suffer from this neverending vertigo and gastrointestinal problems, which forced me to quit my job entirely. Unfortunately, my studies were directly linked to my job, and with only one unit left before I graduated – I had to give that up too. I was absolutely devastated. One tiny observational unit which entitled me to be in a centre at the time.
December is mostly a blur of me being bedridden, nauseated and extremely depressed.
I blamed myself.
I blamed my body for not being able to fight back.
I pushed myself too hard.
I worked too hard.
I stressed too much.
I never took ‘breaks’ or ‘relaxed’.
To go from having a plan, to not having anything at all… it’s an extremely hard thing to adjust to… to be stuck at home, not being able to do ANYTHING.
I’m STILL adjusting.
I was the type of person who was always early rather than late, had to-do lists for every task imaginable, made timelines and had a calendar in my room, on my phone and in a diary. I had dreams and ideas of what I wanted and where I wanted to be.
My only current source of optimism is that I am still young. If I’m out sick for one or two years more, I still have time to pick up where I left off. I need to find some sort of positiveness in all of this.
I can’t sit here and cry about it anymore (and trust me, I’ve cried for hours at end, and so hard that I gave myself nosebleeds). All of that energy crying, could be spent on healing. I have to have hope, even if it means clutching at straws.
I try to steer clear from talking about my longterm future, as it makes me upset to think about.
I have given myself little goals to achieve, like writing this blog, and trying different things to get some sort of relief for my symptoms.
I still have dreams – things I never got to experience – travelling the world, publishing a novel, buying a house, eating at a 5star restaurant, sleeping in a tent… You don’t realise how much you missed, until you’re unable to do it.
I’m not so hard on myself anymore, and you shouldn’t be either.
You can’t be. It isn’t your fault you got sick, and it isn’t your fault that you are struggling to beat it or find relief.
‘Plans’ don’t always go to plan.
My body obviously needs this time off to rest.
I have no choice but to listen to it now.